I remember when I was kid. I had so many ideas and plans. I used to enjoy a lot everything that was related to computation. Even now, I like computers, programming and still I’m learning. But something changed. I’m not anymore that kid that used to love do anything. Now I’m a sad adult, I’m tired a lot of time.

I remember how in highschool I used to do a lot of things. I joined in a lot of projects. But now I’m lucky if I can watch an episode of any anime. I’m not sure what happened.

I have many theories, the principal is that my brain is broken with all these apps of instant reward, since I got less enjoy doing projects, my brain just says “Nope, I’m not doing this shit”. Fuck, even I need to put a timer in a lot of apps, since I would spend all day in those apps if I don’t measure myself.

But I think this is not the whole picture. I mean, I used to enjoy just the sensation of learning. If I was capable to do something today that yesterday I was’t able, that was enough. But now I just think if something will be useful, if matter doing that in the first place. That were thoughts that younger me did’t had.

Maybe it’s the feeling that I have less time, so my brain thinks “my time cannot be wasted in anything that is not useful”, and then I spend the rest of my day watching TikTok. My brain is stupid.

Anyways, the problem isn’t that im not capable of doing things, is that i want to doing something. But if I don’t enjoy the process, it feels like torture. I tried the technique of doing something for 15 minutes even if im not confortable but at the end of that 15 minutes i feel very tired, so when I try to start again, I just incapable and I need to restart that period of concentration. At the end is just torturing myself.

That keeps me thinking. Why I need to do something useful? I’m not sure. I mean, It’s the feeling of satisfaction that something was made by myself? It’s the search of autorealization? I want to be remembered after my death? Im not sure. Maybe it’s just me wanting to know the meaning of my life.

I’m not sure what I want or why I want. But this feeling keeps with me. I will still trying to do new stuff. I home that someday I recover that satisfaction of learning and doing stuff even if is usless.