Since how being sad becomes a normal thing? I don’t remember be a sad child, but I remember that I was not the most happy when I was 10 years old.

Being sad became more normal since that. My middle school was fine, but something always felt wrong.

But since a few years, I was really sad. Was difficult graduate from my master cause I slept a lot. I didn’t had energy and think was difficult.

The story from now is something predictable. I told to my therapist and I got prescribed some antidepressants. Since that I feel fine. I’m not a sunshine all the time, but I can manage sadness more o less well.

But even with antidepressants, I still feel wrong. I can laugh, but feels fake. I feel like other person. Maybe I’m not accustomed to the sensation of being happy, or maybe I’m not happy at all.

If I could express my feelings with an metaphor, I would say that I feel like I’m wearing a mask. Similar to the character from the amazing digital circus. The antidepressants just facilitated wearing the happy mask. But I don’t feel like that happiness is mine.

When I’m alone, I just don’t feel happy. When I’m around other people, I behave like a happy person, but it’s because I don’t like that other people see me sad.

I’m happy but at what cost. I feel like nothing I do really matter. I even can’t cry at all. I just miss the sensation of being sad, cause I could tell that it was real. Not just a fake happiness.

But I’m not a child anymore. I can’t just being sad all day. I have work to do, bills to pay, people that needs me, or that I don’t want to worry. But I don’t feel fine. I just feel like my body is falling apart and I’m just maintained in one piece using tape. It hurts, but I can’t scream. I cant just save all my pain inside myself.

I just waiting my death. I only hope finding something that keeps my head entertained while I wait to my last day.